Establishing Family Harmony: How To Parent Different Child Personalities





Do you often wonder why your kids have very different characteristics even though they live under one roof? I do, and I ask myself what could have happened between carrying them in my womb and delivering them. Then I read about the different personalities and types of temperament and how I can make the necessary adjustments to my parenting style to match my kids’ personalities.

If you’re a parent of two or more kids (like me), you probably are astounded by how unique your kids seem. One may be bubbly and carefree, while the younger sibling is overly timid and sensitive. One is flexible to change, and another may require more time and space to cope. These kids were undoubtedly brought up by the same parents, born in the same beliefs, and living in the same home, but they each take life’s roads and challenges differently. How could this be? It could be temperament.

Definition and Background

Temperament is defined as a person’s various personalities and his or her responses to life events and occurrences. Researchers and psychologists suggest five different features when discussing temperament.

  1. Activity Level – the severity of activity done by an individual
  2. Emotional intensity – the level of emotions that an individual is capable of showing or presenting with
  3. Frustration tolerance – an individual’s capacity to tolerate stress or any kind of emotion or situation
  4. Reaction to change – how an individual responds to the changes around him
  5. Response to new people – how an individual reacts when he is around people he is not familiar with

Every individual is born with her or his distinct personalities and temperament. Temperament, on the other hand, is not a product of something that you were able to or not able to do. It is not also caused by the culture you were born in, although a child’s surrounding environment can affect how he sees himself and how he can adapt to life. Sufficient knowledge of temperament can assist parents in adjusting their approach to their children’s needs.


Making Adjustments To Your Parenting Style

Be more understanding. Your older daughter dilly-dallies throughout the day, mostly procrastinating. You, on the other hand, are making sure you are achieving your to-do list. You and your spouse love having new people in your home, but your daughter prefers to stay in her room, not even getting out once for introductions. Often, this is a gap between a parent’s personality and a child’s personality, resulting in conflicts. Be more understanding and patient with her and take a few steps back so you will gain insight into her responses. Rather than feeling frustrated, try to look for some compromise or solution. For instance, you might want to tell your child that someone is coming over to visit so that she will have time to fix herself and her composure. Tell her how to respond initially when someone comes over and encourage her to join in small group activities whenever possible.

Recognize your child’s personality. Observe your child’s usual behavioral patterns. Does she love talking to new people and learning new things, or does she require more time to prepare for social gatherings? Maybe she is somewhere halfway. Is she more sensitive than others, is she more expressive of her feelings, or is she quiet but deep? Think about where your child falls on a mental or physical chart that discusses different personality types. You can usually get this from The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning or CSEFEL.

Separate your own needs from theirs. One of the most common challenges in parenting is not mixing up your needs and personality approach from your children. You may think that your child requires a substantial amount of social interactions, for instance, but the truth is, it is you that desire it. Be clear on your parenting needs and approaches so you can maintain stable boundaries between you and your children. See them as separate individuals.

Support your child. In today’s culture, formal and quiet personalities are usually rewarded. So if you have a son or daughter who is lively, emotionally intense, and highly assertive, you’ve most probably heard relatives and significant others judge them. Knowing that temperament is not the same for anyone can help eliminate the pressure, enabling you to perceive your child’s personalities as strengths, not weaknesses. This gives you more leverage to defend your child against negative reactions and comments. It would be easier for you to say, “Yes, my daughter is carefree, independent, and knows precisely what she wants. And she’s also learning how to meet halfway.”


Temperament is not always a constant feature. Kids with, say, an introverted personality can learn how to become more friendly and social. Someone born with a quick temper can certainly be more patient and in control later in his life. As a parent, improve your knowledge and understanding of your children’s temperaments while trying not to assign labels on them that might cause them not to grow mentally, physically, and emotionally.



Learning About The Mental Health Of Someone With Defender Personality

I had always been interested in knowing more about my personality. I was among those who loved taking free personality tests during my vacant hours, even though I wasn’t sure if they were accurate most of the time.

Then, when I signed up for a dating app (don’t judge me!), I realized that many of the guys wrote acronyms like INTJ-A, ENTJ-T, and ESFJ-T, among others, on their profiles. I initially assumed that it was some football thing, considering some of them used football emoji too. However, I came across a profile where the guy added a link to a 16 Personalities website, where he took a personality test.

Upon clicking the link, it became apparent that the test was based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). I faintly remembered my psychology professor touching the subject when I was in college, but I probably had my earphones on at the time, hardly paying attention to the class. If I had known that a free test was dedicated to it back then – and that it might be among the most accurate personality tests out there – I would have listened to the professor more.


Taking The 16 Personalities Test

Figuring out how to get started on the personality test was a piece of cake. As mentioned above, it has a free version, and I didn’t even need to register to the website. A few questions later, I got ISFJ-A – the Defender personality.

Before reading the results, I already thought that it sounded cool. I had no expectations while taking the test; I merely answered as honestly as possible. When I scrolled down and saw which famous individuals had the same personality (e.g., Queen Elizabeth II, Dutchess Kate Middleton, Beyonce, etc.), I felt more excited to see how spot-on the test was.

The Results

From what I understood, having the Defender personality meant that I was introverted (I), observant (S), feeling (F), and judging (J). The letter A, meanwhile, stood for altruism. Overall, it meant that I used my introversion to observe my surroundings and react to certain situations without hurting anyone’s feelings. I also tend to avoid as many people as possible, but I would go all out to make my loved ones happy.


I thought that was pretty accurate. Ever since I was a kid, I never liked big crowds. I loved standing a few feet from them and observing what others were doing. However, it did not entail that I was insensitive to others’ feelings or could not socialize whenever I wanted. It’s just that I cared to be around my closest friends and family members more than mingling with new people.

What Does A Defender’s Mental Health Look Like?

Less Likelihood Of Having Anger Management Problem

Defenders are known for having extremely long patience. I can attest to this as my friends often comment about how they have never seen me get mad. Though I may get upset sometimes, it is quicker for me to get over an issue than all of them combined.

In hindsight, I believe that it’s a positive point, considering it reduces my likelihood of getting diagnosed with an anger management problem. It might take a long while before a scenario makes me see red. But even then, I might probably catch myself and try to think that things are happening for a reason (which I always do).


Positive Thinker

Having the Defender personality does not mean that life cannot be filled with unfortunate situations. In truth, I already experienced flunking a class, getting cheated on by the love of my life, being backstabbed by one of my so-called friends, etc. Despite all that, I managed to get back on my feet and move on.

How did I do that, you might ask? Well, there is nothing that optimism (another known trait of Defenders) couldn’t do. Though I might cry about a scenario for a day or two, I always wiped my tears away and smiled and thought, “Hmm, what better things are in store for me?”


Has Perfectionist Tendencies

Furthermore, ISFJs have perfectionist tendencies. I couldn’t tell if it’s a pro or a con, considering my perfectionism has often served me well. All my projects were done flawlessly, to the extent that the professors wondered if I got a professional to make them for me.

Still, I could understand if some people saw my perfectionism as a flaw. After all, whenever we had group projects, I always asked my teammates to redo their work if it didn’t look perfect in my eyes.


Final Thoughts

The 16 Personalities test undoubtedly enlightened me about what to call my personality. I had always been aware of my traits, but it was delightful to realize that I fit a category. That’s something that I never thought would happen since I was introverted yet sociable, practical yet optimistic, and patient yet firm.

Try taking the MBTI personality test now too!

Hidden Anxiety Caused By COVID-19

It is not a secret that people with anxiety have a future-oriented fear. It leads them to avoid things and scenarios they think are potentially dangerous. Sometimes, they look at stress differently that they assume that everything about it is triggering factors. So imagine them living in this pandemic situation where all they hear and see are bad news.


Fortunately, according to licensed professionals at BetterHelp, anxiety disorders are highly treatable. However, only a few people are seeking treatment. The rest of the diagnosed individuals suffer in silence. Perhaps that is because people with anxiety worry about the judgment of others. There is a stigma about mental illness, and most people with a mental condition somehow experience a negative effect on their lives. If this sounds very familiar, perhaps you might be suffering from anxiety and don’t realize it.

Signs To Look Out For

You Are Always Self-Conscious – If you are a bit conscious that everyone is staring at you all the time, perhaps you are suffering from hidden anxiety. It affects your confidence that you often question the way you walk, eat, and sit. It even makes you feel like the sound of your voice is awkward that people might notice it shaky. You don’t have the confidence to be around with people because you are too afraid that they might have something negative to say about your behavior or personality.

You Get Irritated Easily – Sometimes, hidden anxiety is not just about fear. Often, it is when you feel too sensitive about everything. You find your feelings get hurt easily and that you get angry without any reason. You experience problems understanding yourself. With that, you get upset with yourself, and you can’t let go over the littlest things that don’t entirely matter. You suffer from emotional volatility that relates to high-functioning anxiety. There is too much imbalance in your emotions that makes you mentally unstable. You experience frequent tantrums, mood swings, and outbursts.


You’re Panicky And Get Startled Easily – Anxiety can be useful in some ways. It allows you to become more vigilant and in control at some point. However, when you feel that small things you can’t control are sending you to a reel of panic, perhaps that is hidden anxiety. It makes you feel vulnerable when something catches you off guard. And when the smallest things don’t go your way, you find it hard to calm down and relax. You become overwhelmed with the things around you which makes you lose control of your senses.


You Don’t Like Talking To People Face-To-Face – Given a chance, you could easily keep a conversation even for a more extended period through chatting online and texting. However, talking to someone in person is a different story. Even if you already know your friends well and already spoke to them quite a few times online, you still get nervous having conversations with them in person. Somehow, you are finding it hard to come up with the right words to respond, and making eye contact seems impossible to do. Therefore, often, you end the conversation before it even starts.


You Are Indecisive –  When you experience having trouble making decisions, even small ones, perhaps you have hidden anxiety. When you are afraid to make up your mind about something, it means you are always thinking negatively about your situation. That somehow results in wanting perfection. You get to fear failure, and the struggle makes you disgust yourself when you can’t better achieve something. Most of the time, you overthink everything, especially the ones that are uncontrollable like this pandemic. You also have this habit of asking people for their opinion even though you know you need them and you don’t care about what they are going to say. At some point, you only need the validation of whether your decision is acceptable.

Behavioral Issues Caused By The Pandemic Stress

Ever since the Coronavirus outbreak, people worry too much about their lives. There’s stress everywhere, and people kind of embrace the agony of it. According to an experts at BetterHelp, stress falls into different categories such as physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral. Behavioral stress is the most ignored category because people think that there are no signs of it. But unfortunately, its symptoms are visible. Here are some of those.


 Sleeping Difficulties

With all the problems the whole world is having, negative thinking becomes common. That is due to the uncertainties brought by the pandemic. People are now in a mental crisis filled with anxiety and fear of not knowing what would happen next. And with all the bad thoughts that distract them, they experience the inability to sleep and relax. Individuals fail to get enough mental energy because their minds cannot recover from falling short of the required amount of rest.


One of the safety precautions of the outbreak is home quarantine. There should be no contact with people outside an individual parameter. But some people look at this safety measure as a way to induce self-isolation. That instead of attempting to bridge the gap of communication, they choose to withdraw themselves from the particular event. They avoid socializing with anyone as well. Even with the people inside their homes that they see every day receives a cold treatment. They shut everyone out to feel solace on their own.


Unhealthy Eating Habits

With the limited access to food during this unwanted situation, people do not notice the unhealthy eating habits they are doing. Understandably, the types of food some individuals can stock in their homes need to stay edible for a more extended period. But since the situation is very stressful, others resort to comfort food. These foods become their escape to make them feel temporarily better. But also, there is a different approach to unhealthy eating habits and not eating anything is part of it.

Addictive Behavior

Some people experiencing pandemic stress often do not notice that addiction can be a part of it. Since there is a limitation to what they can do during this lockdown, some try to resort in short term solutions. One of these solutions is to spend more time with their mobile devices. The behavior gets ignored because the majority of people are doing it at the same time. But considering the extended period of smartphone usage per day, experts can agree that this behavior will soon lead to significant health damage.


Suicidal Talk Or Behavior

This particular behavioral issue is somehow discrete. The majority of people will not consider this act, but there are a few people that deal with suicidal talk or behavior. Some individuals express their stress by saying they want to die due to the pressure of life given this pandemic. Some are already harming themselves in silence. In a crisis like today, the signals get ignored. People are too drawn to the idea of surviving this pandemic situation. That is why shifting their focus to understanding suicidal behavior gets too much to worry about.



And as much as we want to get things back to normal, all we can do now is keep our heads straight. There is nothing much we can do. Stress can manifest in a lot of dangerous ways. We need to be more cautious about our thoughts and behavior. We need to understand that this situation affects us all, and no one is alone in this battle. There are other people who are experiencing the same things we experience. We have to remind ourselves that the only way we can get rid of stress is by recognizing it physically, mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally.

Simple Face Reading Techniques You Can Do On Your First Date 

They say that ‘love at first sight’ is real and proved by many successful couples nowadays. The moment you see the person, you would know instantly if you two would click, they claim. Is there any science or logic backing up this statement? Possible. It can be because of this specific technique: Face reading.

Theresa E DiDonato, Ph.D., social psychologist and associate professor at Loyola University, Maryland wrote, “People really do report experiencing love at first sight in the instant they encounter a person, It’s a strong initial attraction that could later become a relationship. One compelling counter-argument that people have biased memories and essentially create the illusion of having fallen for each other instantly isn’t an appropriate explanation for all cases of love at first sight.”



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Can My Personality Affect My Relationship?


There’s a strong consideration in the relationship that supports the saying “love your partner’s imperfection.” It may sound convincing, but it typically represents my situation in a different way. It seems like there’s something about me that feels so wrong. What if my imperfections can bring harm to the one I love? Am I still capable of considering those flaws?

My marriage goes to different stages, and as I continue to stay positive about everything, I am noticing that my personality is causing someone to feel stressed, anxious, and depressed. It’s not helping me, and I somehow think that it’s not contributing to my marriage at all.

I Easily Get Irritated Whenever He Doesn’t Listen To What I Say

As a wife, I admit I have tons of demands that I want my husband to follow. As much as possible, I want him to immediately consider the things I want him to do and prioritize them before anything else. It upsets me every time I ask him to do something and feel like he’s not taking my words seriously. My perfectionist personality is making him feel weak and useless. Sometimes, he admits to seeing me as a boss and not as a wife, and that is something.

Suzanne Phillips, PsyD., ABPP says that long-term married couples with similar traits also report less marital satisfaction than those with opposing traits. Sometimes when the world of demands steps out, partners either expect their partner to fill in or predict boredom and confinement with one person. The lack of satisfaction often reflects an inability to see self, partner, and life a little differently.”.


I Create Decisions And Make Sure To Execute Them

There’s a huge difference when it comes to decision making regarding our relationship. I always get to have the final say because I consider myself periodically on the right path. I am never wrong, and my husband seems to agree with that. However, I feel my man is turning out to be a servant and not a husband anymore. He doesn’t say anything so I think I’m making the right choices, but I don’t.

The phenomenon experienced by the husband is what we all know as “learned helplessness.” Courtney Ackerman, MSc, defines this as “a phenomenon observed in both humans and other animals when they have been conditioned to expect pain, suffering, or discomfort without a way to escape it,” and then “eventually, after enough conditioning, the animal will stop trying to avoid the pain at all—even if there is an opportunity to truly escape it.”

My Social Skills Are Becoming An Issue

I am a friendly person, and as much as possible, I want to connect to a lot of people. I am talkative, and I believe I can comfortably create a bond with others due to my honest personality. However, my husband seems to see it differently. He thinks that I am too open about my life to others and it causes us to have different opinions about what others think. I am a vocal person, and I answer people’s questions honestly, and he pretty much doesn’t seem to like it.

I’m Unpredictable When It Comes To What I Want

Part of my flaws is irrational thinking. I sometimes see things in a different perspective which causes me to exaggerate reactions. I excuse myself for being unreasonable and try to cover it up by merely convincing my husband that I need attention out of nowhere. He thinks that’s normal. However, I feel like he’s only trying to be nice because he mainly tells me things I want to hear.

“Lying and self-deception is rampant in romantic relationships,“ Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD., ABPP., admits.



My personality is something that makes me different from anybody else. However, when it comes to my relationship, I can see that those imperfections are trying to ruin my marriage drastically. Though I don’t hear any complaints from my husband, I am perfectly sure that there’s something wrong.